Nadhirah's

 i didn’t know how bad pre-wedding anxiety could get and how it could unleash the drawbacks of my ‘perfectionism’ characteristics

 ugh i hate feeling missing out on things knowing that i know that i don’t want it deep down, that i don’t wanna be spending that much of money, that i’ll be restless and uncomfortable.  i have my priorities and this is not even on my top list so i should be okay with it. but damn, seeing other people go makes me want to go too :(

 I think of how irony it is to have words of affirmation as my first love language, when I don’t grow up in a household of words of affirmation. When it is hard for me to utter and express the feelings I feel, especially the good ones. But the more that I reflect on it, the more it made sense. It’s the scarcity that needs to be filled in, hence appreciated more, rather than what I thought I’d appreciate - act of service.  And the people I meet in this life, the group of people I hang out with, completes me. Hearing I love yous from my fiancé everyday is what keeps me going, and hearing I love yous from my friends whenever we end a call/parting ways is a reminder that I’m okay, and my life is not bad at all.

 The economy is not the only one experiencing recession. Me too. I am experiencing it too in terms of my emotions. I have been struggling to pull myself together since last year due to transition from being in New Zealand and back to Malaysia, from a student to a working adult all within a year. It was a journey to heal from the fact that I am no longer in New Zealand living my ideal life of making my own little choices. This year was about struggling with my own self esteem and cramping my little slow brain with tons of knowledge which I have no idea if I could ever retain and apply it. It is also about not being able to make my own choices because of third party opinions which frustrates me so much because I hate not being in control of my own things. I am pretty sure this recession will not see its end soon. I had thought about this crazy period of 20s where we have a lot of transitions to go through but for sure I couldn’t prepare any better for it till I actually get through it.