Forgetting memories

​A toxic trait - idk if it is toxic or not, but it’s just a weird trait that I’ve realized lately is that I purposely forget some memories. Not like actively forgetting the memory but getting rid of any triggers that would remind me of them. Maybe it’s by default not wanting to remember anything good happened in the past because it hurts not being able to go back.

It’s pretty random to think about this at 5pm on a Thursday. But I’m suddenly reminded of New Zealand and how precious it was to be discovering a foreign country and make it feel like home for two years. And it’s crazy that I’m supposed to move on from a place that I’ve once felt like home. Same goes to the days in Melaka.

Another memory that I could think of is when I was in the school orchestra. Yea it was not all rainbow but being able to play a musical instrument is a dream. I’ve been dreaming of doing so since I was 8. And I finally get to do it, again, for two years. And I’ve yet to move on. Because I know I couldn’t go back to it anymore. Ya for sure I can take music classes, but do I have time? No I don’t. 

Everytime I’m reminded of such good memories, my heart aches like hell wanting to go back but nothing could take me back to it. All I can do is watch the videos or photos from that moment but I would just go mental breakdown so, the best thing I would do is- avoid it. Avoid every single thing that would 100% remind me of those happy days. Not like I’m miserable lol but you get it.